A letter to my son, for his High School graduation

I sit here in the quiet thinking about where we are today. I think about how far you have come. I think about how incredibly hard you have worked. I think about how proud I am. I think about how much you mean to me. I have so many thoughts and emotions tied up inside me thinking about everything that is you.

I remember carrying you 19 years ago. I remember feeling your little body move inside me and every single worry I had for you before you even came to be. I remember thinking I wanted to keep you in my tummy because I knew you were safe there and I had so many worries for you out in the great big world. At the same time, I couldn’t wait to meet you. I couldn’t wait to see what your face would look like and what your voice would sound like. I couldn’t wait to meet the person you would turn out to be. And I can now honestly say that I am not disappointed in anything about you.

You, my child, are one of the greatest creations God has ever made. You have a spirit made of pure gold. You have the most innocent of souls, the purest of hearts, the most giving of the most generous. When you smile, it literally lights up the room, and even the world, if it were possible. I could not have ever imagined a more amazing human than you. I am beyond proud. You have worked SO hard your entire life. Starting at the age of 18 months old, you were in a 40 hour a week ABA program. On top of that you had speech therapy and occupational therapy to boot. You were the hardest little working 2-year-old anyone could have imagined. And you always did everything with a smile. You wanted to work, you were eager to hear those words, “good job.” And whenever you finished your good work, you always reached out to Daddy and me, to show us your accomplishments. And we were both eager to see and hear them and share in them, with you. You have been like this your whole life, hard at work, obedient, joyous, selfless, loving. You are the epitome of pure joy and that is all you have ever brought me.

So here I sit, thinking back over the last 18 years and seeing how far you’ve come. In 5 short days I will be sitting at your High School graduation. You will be graduating, with a REAL diploma. If that wasn’t astounding enough, you will also be graduating WITH HONORS. I couldn’t even conceive of you getting a standard diploma and yet here you are getting one WITH honors, from the National Technical Honor Society. And YOU did all of this, my beautiful boy. This was all YOU. You showed us, even though you couldn’t tell us, how bored you were at school by constantly eloping. It wasn’t until we decided to put you in real classes, to see if that was the issue, that you truly soared. In your technical classes, engineering, web design, digital game, and computers, you excelled. Your teachers would comment that sometimes they didn’t even have to teach you. You just ‘knew’ how to do it.

I will never forget the time we were at bible study at church. We were in the foyer and you were in one of the classrooms in childcare. Suddenly, we heard the copy machine/printer making a noise. The IT guy said out loud, “there is nothing connected to that copy machine.” Moments later, you came running out of childcare and ran past us and to the printer in the corner and pulled off the piece of paper that you printed. You somehow knew how to connect the computer in the classroom to the copier/printer in the foyer and you printed something off it. That was only the beginning of the astounding things you would continue to do.

I am beyond thrilled at all you have accomplished, and I have no doubt you will continue to do so. I am scared for the next step because of the unknown. I want to keep you safe and fear ever letting you out in this very cruel world where someone could harm you without my knowledge. Therefore, I continue to pray that the Lord will provide a way for you to be able to work and have joy in your life in a safe space. Even though you are graduating the district offered to allow you to come back next year and start to learn life transition skills and vocational skills. My hope for you and your future, my boy, is that you can wake up every day and do something you love. I feel like for humans to have peace in this life that they need to have a purpose. My greatest wish is that you figure out what your purpose is, what you love to do, and that you would get to do that every day for the rest of your life.

I don’t know what this weekend is going to look like. I truly can’t imagine sitting through graduation without completely losing it but at the same time my tears are those of great joy. You are my everything my little man. Your life means more to me than I can ever explain. I light up just seeing you walk into the room and my heart is happy just looking into your face. You are the bone of my bones and the flesh of my flesh. I feel your sorrows and pain to the depths of my soul. Your dreams and desires are my dreams and desires, and my greatest wish is only for your utter contentment and happiness.

I know that you have peace, joy, and happiness in your life. And I am so incredibly thankful to the Lord for that. I try to tell you every day how much I love you and how proud I am of you. And I hope that comes through loud and clear in your soul, my son. Because there is nothing you could ever say or do to take that away. I am so proud at the man you have become. And I am beyond blessed that the Lord bestowed on me the great honor to be your Mom. No matter what else life throws our way, I am forever thankful for that.

Happy Graduation day to my little love. May God continue to bless you, to prosper you, to keep you safe and to shine His face upon you, all the days of your life. I love you always, Mommy.