This is the picture I took last night at the beginning of our Valentine’s dinner. I look forward to this dinner with my two Valentine’s every year. And Dave looks even more forward to it. We were supposed to go to Chart House, but with the recent storm, the storm warning in effect until later that night, and the avalanche warnings, we decided to forego traveling to the lake and instead went to our backup reservation, which was right around the corner from our home (and an equally yummy restaurant, I should add). When things like this used to happen to spoil my ‘plans,’ I used to get SOOOOOO upset. Over the years, I have learned that these tiny nuisances are actually blessings in disguise. And this time was no different. God knew what was in store for us this evening and that we’d be better off close to home.
We settled into our high top table on the rustic barstools (later this would prove to have been a bad idea on my part). We placed our order (they had a special of lobster risotto so I had an easy choice) and passed out the cards we had bought for each other. Ronnie and I settled into conversation while Dave began eating his meal. All of a sudden, Dave started murmuring loudly and throwing his arms over his head, trying to bend over on the high top table. He then started guzzling every bite of his dinner, eating like he was trying to win a race. He knew what was going to happen, and at this point, so did we.
Ronnie said, ‘bud let’s go home now.’ Dave loudly shouted, ‘No!’ We knew if we pressed in to get him out of there, he was going to throw a fit and cause a huge scene. We knew that would be a bigger scene than what was to come so we relented. I was watching him like a hawk, and simultaneously, like a tiger, was ready to pounce on him at a moments’ notice. I began scanning the room. The tables were arranged close to each other. Dave was sitting across from me. The table behind me was empty, while the table behind Dave there was a Mom sitting next to her small child.
I tried to coax Dave to my side but he didn’t want to move. He was focused on finishing his meal and putting it all away. I formulated a new game plan in my head, while continuing to watch for when “it” was beginning. Moments later, the Mom was gathering her belongings and I was relieved to see they were leaving. In my mind I was silently screaming, “GO already, it’s going to happen,” while I sat there smiling at the couple. I took a big sigh of relief when they finally walked away.
I had my plan and was ready. Dave put his head down on the table, so I couldn’t see his face. I looked at Ronnie inquisitively and he said, ‘yep it’s starting.’ I jump up and picked up Dave’s upper body. I placed his head on my shoulder, face toward me, like I had so many times when he was a baby. Ronnie was in place next to him and had the lower half of his body. Doing this up high, on these barstools, was going to be a challenge. I finally started to see his angel face turn toward me, eyes stone cold, head and neck contorted to the heavens. He began to make that awful noise (that sounded like the noise the living dead characters make), as he began to shake. I held on tight and tried not to notice all the people in the room who had stopped and were beginning to look at us.
My sole focus remained on Dave as I repeated, over and over, “it’s ok my love, I’m here, it’s ok, it’s ok, it’s ok ….” While tears streamed down my face, I held onto him for dear life. He was pale, and then turned blue, shaking violently. Red drool began shooting from his mouth and onto my shirt (thank God I love to wear black). I noticed people went back to eating / talking, trying to give us our ‘privacy’ during this time. The manager must have come over as I heard Ronnie say, “it’s ok, we got it.” It seemed like forever, but it was probably only a minute or two.
After the worst of the Grand Mal seizure ended, Dave was OUT. Like a light. Like he always does when this happens. He was sleeping hard and soundly, while at the same time, choking on all of the saliva that had gathered in his mouth. I sat there cradling him like I did when he was an infant. I kissed him, and moved his hair out of his face. Then I grabbed a napkin and put it over my shoulder, like I used to with his burp cloths. I rested his head over my shoulder so the blood and excess phlegm would fall onto the napkin. I noticed people around me. I could see other Moms looking at me with such compassion and love in their eyes, it choked me up. I just smiled and kept rocking my boy.
Ronnie asked for to-go boxes and the bill. Ronnie paid and then we were going to switch spots. We tried to lift Dave onto Ronnie’s bar stool, but dang he was DEAD weight and SO heavy. We finally managed to get his butt on the stool and Ronnie took over holding him while I packaged up the food. I noticed people at the table next to us now (they must have arrived after the seizure had started). The husband leaned over and said, ‘let me know if I can help you all in any way.’ The manager had come by and said the same, as did many other patrons. After seeing how heavy Dave was and how difficult it was to just even put him in the chair next to us, we knew we’d need to take them up on their offer.
I took Ronnie’s place holding Dave while he ran to get the car. Ronnie came back inside and the kind man next to us got up. He and Ronnie each grabbed an arm and wrapped it around them. They carried him off to the car while I gathered all our stuff. I thanked the wife next to us profusely, saying, “thank you SO much for your help and I’m so sorry we ruined your meal.” She was so gracious and kind and I was SO thankful for everyone in that room.
We drove the few blocks home and Ronnie sat in the driveway with Dave until he woke enough to be able to stumble into the house, with our help. After getting Dave settled on the couch, I could start to process my own feelings.
What I felt was in such opposition to what I had, just a few moments ago, experienced. The darkness inside me began to rise to the surface and I was ANGRY. Hate filled my heart and soul as I began to think about the people, about the institutions, that DID this to my son. I thought about those that KNEW what these vaccines, and the chemtrails, and all of the other CRAP that they release into our environment, DO to children, especially to children like Dave.
There are those that very well KNOW there is NO such thing as being ‘born’ with autism. ALL of our children were HARMED. They regressed. They weren’t born with this horrific disease. They KNOW that babies like my boy, who have the MTHFR mutation, should have NEVER received a vaccine. And yet they not only ALLOWED, but DEMANDED, they get these vaccines. And they made sure to poison the minds of so many, so that those of us who studied and learned and WATCHED what happened to our children would be gaslit by the rest of the population. They ensured we would be labeled as ‘crazy,’ ‘harmful anti-vaxxers,’ and ‘dangerous conspiracy theorists.’ (The funny thing is, if I WAS an anti-vaxxer, my son would be fine. I WISH I was an anti-vaxxer. If they want to throw their smear campaigns at us, they at LEAST need to get it right. I’m an ‘ex-vaxxer’ asshole). These evil, evil, EVIL people want those of us who are already suffering to not only receive NO compassion from the rest of the world, but ALSO to be thought of as delusional and ignorant.
It is SO hard to have all of this darkness inside of me. And I try SO hard to keep it at bay. For the majority of my life, I smile and try to focus on the positive, but it just takes an encounter like this one to bring the rush of memories back to the forefront. And this is why, THIS is why, I am SO incredibly thankful for the bravery of Trump, to agree to put Bobby in his new position. He took a huge gamble and they both are going head to head against some of the most notorious giants in our world. They KNOW something is wrong and they are WILLING and determined to find out what it is, no matter the cost. This is the hope I hold onto now.
This hope is the positivity I can focus on: praying and believing that justice will be served to those who allowed my boy and countless others like him, to be in this position in the first place. So even though I had a crappy Valentine’s Day 2025, I can now have hope that after 22 years, the truth might finally be revealed. They say revenge is a dish best served cold. It’s frigid at this point, and about damn time. LFG Bobby!! I believe the Lord has put you in office for a time such a this. Let’s expose the corruption, and TRULY begin a golden age so no other families have to ever endure the life we are living.
All of these thoughts raced through my head in an instant. And then just like they rushed in, I released them just as quickly. It’s pretty ironic actually. At work, my clients always tell me, “you are always so smiley and happy, Wendi. Every time we see you on a call, you just are as happy as can be.” I always shake my head and giggle, because they have NO idea of the truth that lies inside. But that IS how I try to live my life. I was telling this to a co-worker the other day. I don’t have ANY time for petty drama. Little disappointments in life don’t phase me. They can’t, because, I HAVE to choose happiness every single day. If I don’t, the black piece of heart, that houses all the hopes and dreams I had for my child, could easily take over and cause a bitter root in my life. And I can’t allow that to happen. Dave suffers every single day. And almost once a month, like clockwork, he REALLY suffers. So I have to make every day a happy one for him. My aunt once told me, “boy Dave sure lives his best life.” And THAT is my goal. That every freaking day, he sure does. Because we can’t control the suffering he endures, but I can control that the rest of every minute of every day, is a peaceful and enjoyable one. And THAT is what keeps me going. On the ‘Hallmark created day of love,’ I am reminded of how overflowing my love for my boy is, even while the hate simmers in a dark corner of my heart.